An Open Letter

Dear National Retail Chain:

I couldn’t help but notice, during a recent visit to your place of business, that you have an exciting array of new designs just in time for the winter festival shopping season. While I am excited about purchasing many of your items both for myself and as gifts for friends and family, I find that I am somewhat confused by the choices of color offered.

Perhaps I am overly simple. Maybe I am even a bit provincial in my affinity for plain speech; but I can’t help but think that the public would be better served by being offered choices like “red” or “brown” instead of “Ravishing Rouge” or “Cafe Mocha Extra.” A turn of phrase is all well and good, but, for the love of God, I don’t know what to buy! I know my significant other loves blue. The question is: will she also love “Temptation’s Breath”? I mean, it looks blue, but how do I know for sure? I feel especially bad for the colorblind shopper, who relies on familiar color nomenclature to keep himself coordinated.

So, National Retail Chain, if the colors we already have are no longer trendy enough, please, please, print a comparison chart for the rest of us. I couldn’t live with myself if I went out of the house wearing “Nearly Neon” socks with my new “Cordovan Crush” shoes.