Last Night’s LOST: Season 6, Episode 10

Dear Diary,

You know what? I’m just about over this.

I give and I give and I smoke a little and I give some more. And what do I get? Snide remarks. Sideways looks. Brooding. It’s like I’m trapped on this island with the cast of The Hills.

Take Sun, for instance. I’m perfectly cordial with her. I’m not smoking, not even puffing a little — she takes one look at me and races off into the jungle like I’m all four horsemen of the dang apocalypse.

Sure, I chased her. But I didn’t go all Smoking Rampage of Death on her. No. I ran like a normal person, got all out of breath, just so I wouldn’t hurt her delicate little feelings.

Blast.

And don’t even get me started on James.

Relationships are just so HARD, Diary. I think we had our first spat last night.

Ya know, he might be a sex-frosted Jamesicle, but he can be downright mean when he wants to. He had no right to bring my – my – condition into our little squabble. I get it. I’m the Smoke Monster. But I have a smokey little heart too.

I was a little harsh with him, I guess. But it’s only because I hurt so much.

I don’t like the way James keeps hanging out with Kate. Not. One. Bit. She’s trouble and he knows it. But every time I turn around I catch them whispering, sharing a look. Basically eye-humping every chance they get.

Listen, Princess Buckteeth, I got four words for you: I. Saw. Him. First.

Okay, technically you saw him first; but then again, who knows? I definitely saw his name on the wall of my cave first. So there.

Anyway, Kate won’t be a problem soon. I basically gave Inspector Clairseau carte blanche with the interloping filly. I just need her around a little longer — if nothing else she makes good bait.

Thank goodness for St. Sayid of Iraqistan. Ya know, Diary, the more I get to know St. Angsty-pants, the more I see we have a lot in common.

It’s not like I’m falling for him. St. Sayid is just a good friend. A really good friend. And he’s totally helping me out with Captain Baldylocks.

Oh yeah. I met Baldy McBalderson. What a prick. He plays all Mr. Tough Shorts while he’s standing behind his little pylon fence. Just let me catch him out in the open. Just once. Dude wants a fight, I’m a give ‘im a fight. Douchebag.

I’m sorry Diary. I know I’m cussin’ a lot today. I shouldn’t take all this out on you.

I’m just so frustrated. Nothing seems to be working out for me lately. James is all broody and distant. Richard came back and then went away again. I got a Bald Submarine Captain steppin’ to me. It’s just been a bad week.

I could sure use a win right now.

Love,

Smokey John