Absolved, not pardoned

It seems silly to say out loud, but I have a fear of the present.

Everything in my life is centered on what’s going to happen. I’m putting everything off. What am I waiting on? I don’t know. Every idea I have, every hope and dream is simply something else that’s waiting.

For.

What?

There’s no guarantee any of the things I’m planning will ever come to pass. And, for the most part, I have no control over whether or not they do.

What I can control is me. Myself. My reaction to this very moment. And what am I doing? Predominantly nothing.
Because nothing is happening yet. So I’m absolved from acting. But this absolution doesn’t pardon me.

I should suffer no self-delusion, nor abide any excuse for the utter waste of time my life is becoming. Free-will, squandered in the meaningless pursuit of entertainment, is a far worse fate than predestination. To squander opportunity is to murder your dreams.

Even in the moments between the moments that change our lives, there’s a germ of opportunity waiting to be exploited; time remains at its post, waiting to see if I’ll use every second I’m granted to inch that much closer to a destiny, a calling, a dream.

So what am I doing right now? Am I waiting for life to happen, or am I actively becoming the person I was meant to be?

Last Night’s LOST: Season 6, Episode 14

Dear Diary,

It feels really good to be back to my old self again.

Ya know, it just seems silly now. What a funk I put myself in over James, when all I really needed to do was just stand up and be myself. If there’s one thing I learned from Oprah, it’s that you just can’t let a man define who you are as a person.

And who I am as a person is all four Horseman of the Apocalypse bundled up into one big, bald bag of hurt. Who only ever wanted to be loved.

Continue reading “Last Night’s LOST: Season 6, Episode 14”

Last Night’s LOST: Season 6, Episode 13

Dear Diary,

Can you believe it? I mean, can you BELIEVE it?

After everything I’ve done. All the blood, sweat and smoke I poured into this relationship, James just up and left me. And he took my boat! I’m so mad right now I could burst into flame. I gave that man the best thirteen weeks of my life — minus that time I tried to get back together with Richard, the week or so I spent ogling St. Sayid and that couple minutes of blissful alone time with Dezzy the Highlander.

And you know what, Diary? THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.

Continue reading “Last Night’s LOST: Season 6, Episode 13”

Last Night’s LOST: Season 6, Episode 11

Dear Diary,

Sayid is such a badass. He’s just all like boom, kick, mother-flipping SNAP. God I love him — it, I love IT.

It’s just so nice to have someone I can depend on. And now that he’s bringing me Desmond King of Scots, I just know I have the upper hand on The Bald Avenger over at Hydra Island. There’s no substitute for having good friends. Who do what you say. Without question.
Continue reading “Last Night’s LOST: Season 6, Episode 11”